Sunday, 3 August 2014

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?