Saturday, 19 September 2015

What lies within us...

Do you ever feel like nothing goes the way you intend, like karma and kismet are just not on your side ???

I definitely do! I don't know what it is about this year for me, but I'm pretty sure I've hit a mental blockage of sorts. One that I can hide particularly well!! Which is wrong isn't it? I don't want to hide anymore from who I am. Yes, I do feel like my identity has vanished somewhat in the past few months but gradually, I'm picking up the pieces, and we can all do that despite the fact that we can be our own worst enemy. I know it seems difficult for those of us who seem to hit a brick wall so often, but believe me…we are the strong ones! 

For these past few months [?] I've been over-analysing my life tenfold and got myself to the point of illness, struggling to receive any answers or support. Doctors only see things from a medical perspective I believe. I think they struggle to see a (psycho)social model of people's behaviour. However, in my case at the moment, I do wonder if they are right. If I put my professional hat on, yes I can see the Social Work aspects of my life that have gone wrong & I can understand why my brain still struggles to comprehend why certain things are incorrect…but the only way that's being modified at the moment is via medication. Which I have always needed anyways due to my former surgeries & the side effects that occurred [migraines etc], but I have to agree with Doctors in this case, that medication does work. However, it only masks symptoms, not cure. 

Well let me tell you, if you are going through some life difficulties, never think you are worthless. We all deserve so much joy, but that needs to come from within. I've been trying to condition my mind through literally, psycho cray cray talking myself into doing things that used to be a doodle for me!! It's working for now people :-) 

I'm sure that many people can relate to the "feeling fine, looking fine" ideology, whereby, people are so stereotypical to think that because someone appears ok on the outside, they must be feeling alright. This is where the problems begins right? It's tiring to justify oneself and almost backup why you actually feel like crap. I mean, since my last post, things have gone pretty well for me; give or take a few "black" days, but does that make things better all round? Life is just a performance after all!!
        Looking back at when I was 16/17, whilst all of my friends were leading jovial, simple lives, I was going through sheer hell, and from then on, I can pinpoint exactly why life has felt like a hamster wheel. Then boom, everything goes right, I finished my education, I found the man of my dreams; then he left me. Life has a vendetta against me. Or does it? They do say everything happens for a reason, but that's when the problems start forming…the obsession to find out why things happen to us. 

The complexities of existence is so vast that nothing can be as simple as good karma or bad karma. I think it's a social conditioning that we've manifested to control what life throws but there is that niggling thing of why the cards that are delt do not always "even out the goodness" and that's what pisses me off. It's something you cannot control…

Do you feel like it's as if negative energies are filling up around your soul, and you find it more & more tiring to break free, even though you desperately want to fulfil your passions and feel as you once did..? I know that feeling too well and that's where I get frustrated with karma. Where it's almost like you're the one getting dished bad luck and inequality- that cannot be ones' destiny, right?

I know that we cannot look at other people's lives & conduct comparisons, but it's human nature isn't it, to do so. I try my hardest not to wonder but lately I've been pondering why some of us end up leading somewhat stressful lives, and other people sail through. I think it's almost like your mind has conditioned yourself to think that you are worthless and deserve nothing, thus, you don't act on getting what you desire. 
       So I ask myself- and you- what can we do to stop the panic, stop the anxieties, the modern pressures, the OCD etcetc? Why have we [the chosen ones!] been given such hardships in life, while other's get everything they desire in life; who at times, I feel don't deserve it ??  

       Where is the justice and what are we doing so wrong?

The thing here is, it is so difficult for those with mental health/emotional/cognitive issues to feel like it's not your fault things are as they are {Illness is not your fault; there are some things we can't control}. I believe in being the architects of our fate. I really do think that good karma will come around to those of us who need it, but you can't wait for that to happen. You need to chase it. Don't allow other people to have what you're dreaming of. 
       Easier said than done I know as it's illness' that can stop people from venturing into the unknown or out to our favourite places..but things do catch up with us and suddenly things change through the choices we make. I do feel that our lives are mapped out for us in some ways, to use to either improve upon or dampen..but some things are just meant to happen. Yes, some of us get a lot of "bad luck"- do we deserve it? Hell no. Can we handle it? Hell yes. 

I'm sure that some may think of this is a jealous or bitter question, but I am not that at all. In fact, I am fully aware that some people have very little in life in comparison to me. What I'm talking about is luck. Kismet, if you will. After delving deep inside my thoughts, I think it is apparent that some of us just need extra support, unconditional love. Including from ourselves; from within. I really do believe that those of us have have suffered & survived traumas are exceedingly strong. Like an old, noble soul on a young vessel. 
         Keep that in mind and breathe in this flawless quote…


Final note.. I'm sure anyone from the UK may have heard of Jonny Benjamin, featured in his documentary: The stranger on the Bridge. For those in the US, his story can be found here: The stranger on the Bridge but below, I've added a video of his that may be useful if you struggle with all the different types of thoughts that can enter ones' mind.

Take care all :-)